Thursday, February 2, 2017

Groundhog's Day.

Happy Groundhog's Day.

It's been a long winter already and no matter what -we have until March 20th before it's over. Don't know how this tradition started but that's o.k. I don't know how a lot of things started. (Google it.)

I've been waiting to post here for some time now. But really haven't had much to say. I'm in a kind of "Groundhog"  scenario. I've kind of stalled out.  Our days are slow moving because I'm slow moving now. (MSers well understand this.)

Back when I was able bodied I use to call these slowed down winter days "the Horse Latitudes" or just "horse lats". (Google it.) I would kick against, buck these times like crazy. I hated these times. Now I live in the "Horse Lats" year round. Can't hate 'em now.

I'm hoping I'm not sounding like a whiner. This is just the way it is. (MSers will understand this. Actually, Anyone with chronic illness will understand.)

I am doing reasonable well. My Neuro calls my type of M.S. slow progression. I call it linear. Even. I feel the same daily. Things I've lost remain lost. Not so worse. No better. I am grateful for that. If I'm having flares, they are hidden. The latest M.R.I. Will be the judge of that. (My husbands says it's not so invisible anymore.)

Back to my Horse lats, I've been living here year round.
I woke up this Groundhog's Day remembering the movie of the same name. You know the one. With Bill Murray. He gets in some kind of time loop where he lives the same day over and over and over. (kind of how all our lives can get sometimes,  my horse lats*)

Anyway. It's humorous. Bill Murray.
 I don't believe in the time loop belief,  or any metaphysical events. I just don't. It just doesn't  match up with my Faith.**  But I have taken a couple "gems" from this movie that have served me well.
1. Try not to hate your situation. (Murray's character made some really bad choices concerning this.) 2. Don't waist  time. ( Even though the days seem the same and endless, do what you can. Even if your world seems small, there is always something to do. I read, I study. I try to learn. (It's not great big studies but, they help me.)

For example, In the movie, Murray's character learns piano, French, medicine, he studies the people around him and ends up helping them through their day. O.k. he has lots of time to do these things. Lots of time!

Well, me too. "Horse Lats"

Please don't be sorry for me. I'm not sorry for myself. I am using this time. To learn. To try and be kind to those who I'm around.

Happy Groundhog's Day!



* Here. the horses are never tossed overboard or hurt in any way.


**My Faith is in God.
Genesis 50:20 ... but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, ...

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Six.

I haven't posted a blog here for awhile. I have written and discarded a few things that were meant for here but never quite made it. So, as an anniversary present for myself, here's all those discarded posts.  
Happy Anniversary to my MS. I wish I never knew you.

Life is  - Early 2016

I am o.k.
Of course I can't say I am happy with the way I am now but, I can say there are some things that are o.k.

Converse.

I can't say that I've ever worn unsenseble shoes. Oh, of course, my platforms of the early 70s may have landed close to the unsenseble. However, I was 16 and well balanced. I walked a mile and 1/2 to school and back in those days. No problem.
Converse were a thing back then too. And hiking boots. Over the years I've worn both. Now it's just Converse. Strictly. Well, maybe on Sundays I wear some flats with more dress appeal. But if my Converse match the color of choice for that day they get worn dressy or not. I have a few different colors of them. And I think I'll probably have a few more by the time I won't need any at all.

 Canes.

 I can't really say I am pleased with having to use a cane.
Pre-need I was known to use a walking stick while geocaching or letterboxing.
When I was a wee lass, I would use a dead branch from an evergreen to aid in my woodland play. They would serve as a horse, a staff, a sword, and a fishing pole. You know. Enter the woods. Find a stick.
Later years. Umbrellas would be put into to service as both sun guard, rain guard, and walking stick. Then employed as a cane. Then entered the full use of a cane. Except at home. Where I can use the furniture and the walls to brace myself.
Like the Converse I have several of different colors and of different styles.
People often agree with me. If you need a cane, one might as well enjoy the one you need.

 Pince-nez

The easy affliction that lead to my diagnosis. My second, or maybe it was my third flare up was double vision. That sent me to a doctor, who sent me for an MRI, which gave me the reason of my troubles.
This eye doctor couldn't help me with this affliction since it was nerve damage in my brain but, he did suggest eyeglasses. I really didn't want eyeglasses. I really didn't need eyeglasses. Except readers. And yes, I did have several of those in different colors.
During one of my web adventures, shortly after my eye doctor appointment, I came across an intriguing antique pair of pince-nez. Actually a lot of 5 pince-nez in an online auction. I won the auction and had a couple of the mounts fitted with my prescription. Wa. La. I am a pince-nez wearing lady. It's been almost 6 years. O.k. that's a good spin on my life and how I am now.

Dee  - Spring 2016

A couple years ago I started to Identifying myself as Dee. Big Dee sometimes. It was a counter swing to my depression.
You've probably read about Native Americans, and peoples of other cultures, and including Hebrews, would change their names or have them changed when a life event happened. Abram to Abraham. Naomi to Mara. Well, MS is a life event. So I call myself Dee now.   
Tho' few have picked it up. That's o.k. I know who I am.
Lately, I've been trying to quantify my life.
 I don't suppose it needs to be even talked about and for the most part it isn't. Except when I need a valve to be opened, to release a little pressure.
Those closest to me are the only ones that hear the hiss and the rumbling of the rocker cap.
That would be, My husband and our son who lives at home still. Maybe the neighbors sometimes.
I don't handle my disability very well. Sometimes.
I get frustrated when what I want to do is next to impossible or can't be done at all. Even some days when the difficulty of what was a simple task last year, last month, last week, yesterday, or an hour ago. Sometimes an action that tasks me beyond what I can stand may evokes a cry of dismay, a solemn tear or an angry snap.
 I try not to let my day get to this stage but sometimes life doesn't run that way.
I have had to let a lot of stuff go. Stuff I've loved to do. I won't go into this list. It doesn't matter to anyone but me. And for the most part I've been o.k. with letting them go. They were and are more a source of frustration than a pleasure now anyway.

Apology  - July 2016

Today I thought I should just write an apology. One that says: "I'm sorry I can't do that." or maybe one that says: "Sorry I can't help." It's hard to see so many needs and be positively unable to be of any help.

I hate having to ask for help for myself.

Dee is me.

Savage  - Summer 2016

I stopped being Dee so much when I was gifted a Generationally prized possession. I can look at it whenever I desire. I know exactly where it is.

 
Worrying and caring.  August 2016

Life races headlong without me most days. And it certainly has done just this for the last 6 years.
I can honestly say that the past six years have seemed to pass quickly even though my quickness has diminished into something quite opposite of quick. Anything but "quick".
I've watched life race by and have had to not tag along with it.
I've watched needs be fulfilled by others that weren't much quicker than me, maybe, but much more able, for sure.
And I've watched those that are quicker and more able for sure.
I've had to pare back my life as necessity has dictated.
I've tried not to be bitter about that. But, man, sometimes that root crops up in the futile bed of depression.
I've tried to learn to be in prayer more and more over these 6 years. I've tried to learn to turn my worries and my cares into prayers. I've tried to learn to quiet my racing thoughts into prayers. To rebuke the fears and the lies in Jesus Name and to lay my worries and cares at His feet.
I confess. I worry. And I have cares for others that only Jesus can fulfill. I find myself mourning that I can only pray but then I tell myself, I realize, that praying is the best thing I can do.
Thanks be to God! We have an Advocate with the Father. His Name is Jesus.
There are so much Biblical Truths we can hold onto. So I try to spend time in God's Word. There are so many songs so many hymns that can remind us of these Truths. So I try to listen or read the lyrics of these wonderful reminders. I try to spend time in prayer and in quiet reflection of my Lord's grace an mercy.
Help me Lord Jesus. To be better than what I am.