Friday, December 10, 2010

Here's to my Life Upside Down- October 21, 2010

I know we all have things that call for our attention. That is life. Each of us has a juggling act. I had adjusted to my life of that just as all do. I am just finding myself having to re-adjust to my life. It's like someone has asked me to juggle while balancing on the bow of a very little wooden boat.
It's really weird now-a-days. I don't know if there has ever been a time in my adult life that I have had to consider so much about me. Obviously in my youth most of my thoughts were about me. Recently, I told Gregg that it was strange to be the center of my thought now. I don't even know how to express it. As a wife, I am use to considering my husband. What his needs were/are, what he wanted to do, what future plans and events needed consideration and adjustment for. As a mom, I am use to considering my sons. What their needs were/are, what they wanted to do, what future plans and events needed consideration and adjustment for. That seemed to come natural as a wife and mom. Like it's innate. Sure a lot of my thoughts were still of me. Hopefully, I want to believe, they were mostly of I how I could mesh, how to stream with others to make life flow easily and on an even keel. There has been some chaffing, cracking, and falling away of self for each of us.
When it became evident that one of our sons was special needs, this became even more a factor. To my shame or credit for the past 16 years that has been the main. Nothing goes into consideration without passing through the G Factor first.
Now there is a finer grained factor. Now with any consideration comes the need to see if I can handle it first. To see if I can deal with, or adjust to whatever one of us wants to do, what's to happen or needs to happen. I know that sounds self important. Like I'm putting me in the ultimate position of all things family. I don't know if that is true or not. I just know if
this family is to go forward with all of us aboard, it needs to be thus. That is why it is so weird. Now I don't get up without consideration. The first being how is my vision today. Lately it's been fine. Praise God. Thankfully navigation hasn't been a problem either. Some mornings my balance is off but I've been able to conduct the morning rituals of animal care without a problem. The morning progresses with daily exercises that have been a factor for almost 11 months. Thankful, G. likes to sleep in so my mornings are free for this. Lately instead of preparing for travel in the morning like I've been accustomed to, I straighten the household up a bit and begin the consideration list. If I'm feeling well I check the list of what needs to happen. Thankfully that list has always been kept pretty short. Groceries, prescriptions, pet needs, household needs, car needs, and the like. Then if that is clear or just one of the needs needs attention I go into possibility mode. What can we do that will be fun. I consider that and choose something far reach and something near reach. I set myself and us up for what is needed to go. Then the continuance or the plan is simply up to the G Factor. If I don't even get this far when G wakes up we take care of his immediate needs and then cut down the plan to what will work and what won't. It most times ends up in a home day. Or a day where we wait for Greggo to get home to see if he can help with the thing we need or want to do.
I am so thankful for my two at home buddies. We are a team and I praise God for that.
There is an article I found online that deals with this issue. The woman that wrote it has lupus but I have found that it is applicable to MS. It is called "The Spoon Theory" by Christine Miserandino.
Please understand I am in reasonably good health now and prayerfully will stay that way. However, I have noticed some fatique creeping in and there are some things that pop up day to day that seem to be connected to stress and the busy-ness life seems to have for all of us. It's really hard to explain my life upside down to myself let alone to others. I am still learning about this mystery and it's effects on me.
So, Here's to my life upside down and the prayer I can navigate these waters. I put the full weight of my trust and hope's in the One that guides the way.
He is my Lighthouse and safe harbor. He is my Lord.

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