Sunday, February 6, 2011

Good Days. Bad Moments.

We can all relate to this. Life is just that. We hear people say it all the time "this is a good day" or "oh, that was a bad day". Days are not respecters of persons. It really doesn't matter if you have ms, some other disease, or are healthy. We all have good and bad days.
Yesterday was a good day. However, Yesterday also had a really bad moment.
It was what we call a Home Day. We stayed home and just puttered around. Some things got cleaned. Some music got played. No stress. No fuss. The sun even made an appearance. The temperature resembled spring. In February that is a Good Day.
And we almost made it through the whole day without too much trouble. As far as my ms symptoms it was a Status Quo day. But, Since I was doing some house work, some of the symptoms that usually come and go, stayed for most of the day. Towards the end of the day I was having weakness issues and unfortunately I played right into the anger trap.
By the time dinner time rolled around for the dogs I was down to my last few spoons. So to speak. Now the dogs really don't mean to be pushy. They just are. The do have a way of really pushing my buttons. Dinner time rolls around and they want to be fed. No choice. They get feed.
Now it's dinner time for us. So dinner gets started and we get through in good shape. Gregg really is a champ in the kitchen. He also reads me well.
The evening progresses through a good dinner and some TV. The day slides away and I am feeling better. The last stages of the day approach.
Every evening requires the shutting down of the house before we retire. Nothing new for anyone. Nothing new for me. As always, I  lock up, turn outdoor lights on, feed the pets, the fish, the birds, shut down the lights for the African violets, check the pets heater, cover the birds, stop my clocks, and prepare to give G his insulin. Really routine, nothing critical.
Some times I think that is the trouble. We go through  the days on auto pilot really. Things have remained the same for so many years we don't even have to think about them. Just sail through on auto pilot. Well, not any more. Or so I have learned now. I wish I could have learned it sooner. Or maybe I did and forgot.
The second to the last thing I do before retiring is give G his nightly insulin. This night I prepared his first of two shots. I dialed it up and handed it to him. He takes it, gives himself the shot, and hands it back to me. I start to work with the other insulin and stop short. "How much did I just give you?" I couldn't remember. It was just a moment ago. I couldn't remember if I had dialed up the normal evening amount or substituted it with the normal morning amount. I feared the later. "How much did I just give you?" The blank look remained on Gs face.
The trigger was snapped. I lost it. And G sat there like a deer got in my headlights. My tirade consisted of "I need help with this stuff" and "I'm drowning and every hand I reach for slips away" As true I this stuff may be or not. And as real as my feelings may be or not,  really doesn't excuse me on this one. I know I am compromised cognitively. I've known this for some time. I've been working with G with checks and balances because of this. He's compromised too. Though most times he doesn't remember this.
We simply dropped the ball. He didn't need the verbal beating. I know better than to do that to him. He can't take it. I had just taken a Good Day child and kicked his feet out from under him. I just made him feel worthless. He longs to be helpful to me and I made him feel like a burden.
Instead of reaching to my Lord Jesus to save me from drowning I try to pull someone under with me. I realized my mistake when I saw him set his glasses aside. I am so proud of him. At other times of anguish his glasses would have been in pieces. This action makes me realize what I had just done. I apologize immediately and start working to repair my broken son.
I explain that that was my fault. I had forgotten to walk us through the checks and balances. We just need to back off of the next insulin and wait to see what transpires. I tell him how sorry I am and that we will try better to help each other. It really was my fault.
I need to remember this. I need to keep in place all our checks and our balances. I need to remember not to over exert myself during the day. Not to use all my spoons. I need to ask for help before I'm angry. To ask for help before I get too angry.
I sit with him for awhile and we pray together. Evening prayers are the last thing we always do before I retire. To the One that keeps us from drowning. We pray to the One that keeps the waves and swells from over taking us. Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness. Thank you for Your Grace and Mercy. Thank you Jesus there are Good Days. Help me Jesus in the Bad Moments.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sitting here in tears as I read this...wanting to give you both a big hug. I am sOOOOOo proud of the G-man! I can picture him as he set his glasses aside with all the strength he needed for the moment. I feel like I can peer right into his heart that is awash in love, pain, strength and understanding...I look into his mama's and see the same things. Today, I want to give G a great big ATTA Boy, I am so, so proud of you!!...and I wish I could give my sissie some more spoons, labeled with "love"...

    Someone much bigger saw it all..and cares way more than me...it is beyond comprehending...

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  2. Thank you so much for your caring and love.
    G is really the best. I'm really so grateful for him.

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