Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A ray of sunshine

After a week of unexplainable illness, O.k. maybe unexplainable illness is a stupid choice of words here. I just mean an illness that I am not really sure of it's origin. Anyway, the very next week I was SO Much better it was remarkable.
After the ill week I had five days of the Status Quo days. It is funny to hear myself say that I was delighted to have them back. I have come to a place of understanding of those. I can navigate those.
I was feeling so good and the weather was so reasonable, I took total advantage of them all. Granted I still kept my head and didn't see if I could push myself too hard.Words from my daddy always play through my thoughts,  warning us of what spring fever can do. He would always stop us before we went out on a spring day and caution us. Be careful out there. Don't enjoy the day so much that you aren't watching out for yourself. Don't let yourself get killed or injured because you're in a rush to have a fun time in the nice weather. Those kind of comments are treasure to me. They reveal a caring, knowing, loving father.
I have mentioned before here of playing with my son's wii all winter long. I am so glad we did. When last Wednesday broke forth with ample sunshine and reasonable temperatures I told him to get ready. We are going for a hike.
I have been wanting to make this hike since last fall. And this day all the pieces fell into place. Even before my son and I could head out my hubby got home. Work had ended early. He was up for the hike too. That made it positively  perfect.  So with out further pale words from me. Here is our hike.

Friday, March 18, 2011

New stuff

I feel like I've opened a new jigsaw puzzle and mixed it with the one I was already working on.
I've gain a few more symptoms. I think. I'm not really sure. I don't want to confuse just run of the mill life occurrences with ms. As one gets older, one does have general aches and pains. Creeks and groans that didn't exist in youth.
That being said I do have a new pain following my right hand weakness. Nausea that seems new. Hot spots, Not to be confused with hot flashes. I'm really not knowing if these are ms or something else. There is also another one I can't remember right now and when it happens I forget to write it down.
Do these fall under ms or a flu/cold bug I've contracted? For the passed week I have felt so poorly. I've opted to stay home. I decided that since I am not sure if this is ms, something else, or a combination of the two, I don't want to share it.
O.k. using deductive reasoning, the hand pain is probably not a flu/cold thing. And the hot spots on the soles of my feet are probably not a flu/cold thing. And the other one I can't remember right now is probably not a flu/cold thing because if it was I would probably remember that.
More reasoning. I have felt nauseous a lot. Now I equate that with the flu, but I don't have a fever or a headache during the nausea. Hubby says ms can cause you to feel nauseous. Why haven't I ever heard that? Or read it? O.k. I've read that some DMMs can cause nausea. In fact that was a major factor in me choosing the one I chose.
I guess I'm  just shocked that I may have new symptoms. Silly I know. But I am shocked none the less. And, not only are they new symptoms, they seem to be silly/weird ones. O.k. so having this searing hand pain isn't so silly. But, just in the right hand? Actually, just the ring and middle fingers on the right hand. It comes and goes. Thankfully. Though aspirin doesn't seem help. Maybe this is something else?
And the hot spots on the soles of my feet. Just a quarter sized hot spot on the ball of my foot. The right side mostly but some times the left foot. It comes and goes. This happens in the evening or at night. Not every day thankfully.
So, here we are. Laying low and seeing if we can get over the cold/flu aspect of feeling so poorly. We'll watch for the unusual and log them when they happen. Maybe a pattern will show itself so we can learn what triggers them and then dodge the triggers. Oh, ya, this cold/flu thing? Maybe it's the trigger. And I was trying to dodge it for a month. That's life. We try the best we can and roll with the punches. I'll be watching for other symptoms.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

God is near

Dark empty places restrain every solace seeking individual only now.
How did I get here? I let this illness weigh heavy on me. I wake up some mornings and let the illness win even before my feet hit the floor.
I am weak. And the sameness of these days are unrelenting. The winter has been long. The Status Quo days have been long. My trying to keep my head above water has been long. So I stop trying to do that and put my feet on The Rock. He sustains me. I draw near and He draws nearer. I try to rest in the fact that it is what it is. I am who I am. God is near.
I know this isn't even tough yet. I know this isn't even the full course of the disease. I know I am living fallen world stuff. I know God is near to them that are of a broken heart. He works on me and in  me.
I don't know how this will play out but, I know whom I trust. And even though I go through these valleys, I know who leads me. We all have valleys. Some of the most precious, the most sensitive plants only grow in these valleys.
Conventional wisdom tells us that if you suffer from depression, do something for someone else or, some say do something for yourself. I don't know which one works for you but for me the thread that runs through both of these works for me. Do something.
However, some times doing something isn't even an option. So I pray. I read God's word. I sing the old hymns or the new songs of praise. And I thank God for His grace and mercy. I thank God for the Status Quo days and His guidance through each one.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Life Upside Down - Six months in

Six months in from my diagnosis. That's half a year! From this side it feels like it has gone pretty fast. From the other side it seemed like I would never get here. Time is funny that way. Hind sight is 20/20. Fore sight is through a  glass, darkly.
This past month has been, again, filled with "Status Quo" days. Some of which have been a little worse than others.
Early in the month I was feeling as though I was coming down with some kind of  cold. So, I think my immune system was working a bit harder. That is not a good thing in my case. I don't need it  attacking  the wrong things while trying to defend me against a cold. I have been kind of worried about that. So  we watch and pray and mega dose Vitamin C.
Admittedly I usually do take large doses of C anyway. It helps me keep another symptom from giving me trouble. But when ever I feel a cold or flu coming on I mega dose. 
So I guess that has been the main focus. Trying to dodge the winter's colds and flu. Trying to stay as healthy as possible. Trying to help my immune system to function well without over exciting it.
As far as other things go. All seems to be going well and I am still doing fine.
Our life upside down has become as though it is right side up. We will still hold dear the lesson we  have learned from Bear. But being in it for a half year now it has become the norm. It does happen. I really didn't believe it would. We've reach the new norm for us. 
I have never experience illness for this long before. This new norm hasn't been easy for me to except. In fact some days  I feel like I haven't. Other days I have.  I guess I'm still in a process. And really we all are in some way or another.
So on we go moment by moment. Thanking God, I am learning to bare up under it. I am thankful for His everlasting arms that hold me.
So, We prayerfully step into the next moment, hour, day, week, month.