Monday, July 4, 2011

Life Upside Down ~10 months in

This month I've been battling some depression. So I've tried to cut back on some of the things that may be strengthening it's grip. Things like keeping track of everything I eat, every thing I do, etc... I've even cut back on tracking ms symptoms. I just log the fact that the day has been "status quo" and then if any new or mystery symptoms appear I'll make special note of them. I've decide to look on better things, purer things. I can still take good care of myself and not continually look at the bad aspects of my ms. The individual symptoms that make up each day are now just termed in a log as "status quo".
I'm not really sure how to explain what's been going on these passed few months or even this passed month however. As just said, the days have been, Status Quo, same ol', same ol' stuff. I am doing well under the circumstances. Just like the doctor said last month. I've come to understand, in part, how my ms is going to effect me in certain circumstances. I've learned things I should avoid. I've learned there are some things that are unavoidable. I've learned that some days are not so bad. I've learned that I've changed.
I don't know if this is because of ms. I don't know if this is because of being sick so much.  These statements seem inseparable.
However, I don't really know if the change in me is ms caused. Is there something happening in my Central Nervous System that has cause this change? Or rather, is the change  occurring because of being sick for this long.
Clear as mud right?
I was speaking with my daddy a few weeks ago. He was remembering the stroke he had several years ago and it's effects on him. A change in him. He said since that time he doesn't have the emotional stability he once possessed. Understand, my daddy has always been a strong man with great tenderness. I know those terms seem to contradict themselves but, if you knew a man like my daddy you would understand.
Pre-stoke. he told me, he felt that he could contain his emotions better. I have witnessed what he meant.
After talking to him I started thinking of my own change.
I have always carried my "heart on my sleeve" as the old saying goes. It would never take much for tears to be provoked to well up in my eyes. Though this is still a factor, the change is instead of tear wells it is now down right sobs. If the gates are opened even a crack - it is a down right sob-fest.
I don't know if this is a physical thing that ms or a stroke can manifest or if being sick for a long time can manifest. Or possibly an emotional effect of being sick for a long time.
It doesn't matter which when you look at another aspect.
It has fostered a greater compassion for others. And in that I am thankful. I may have gained a greater empathy towards others hurts and sorrows. I am sure this is truly the case in my daddy.  And if ever I wanted to be more like him it is now.


  1. "For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

    I see the power of Christ resting upon you and Daddy, and that Power shows strong.