It's still amazing to me, even though I feel sick every day, that I have ms? Even tho' I know it is true. I guess I'm just a Class A ostrich. I rather think of anything else besides ms. I would rather think of Anything Else. But, I can't, for the most part. It is always here. It is always on the front burner. It dictates everything.
However, for the past 50 days I have been ignoring it as best I can. I have still been taking my DMM (disease modifying medicine) and watching out for triggers that could bring on an episode. I am still trying to get some exercise. I am still trying to eat right and taking my vitamins.
Still, I am reminded every morning that it is still a part of me, but I have been trying to ignore it and muddle through. But, I have learned time and time again this is impossible. So now I'm re-counter swinging and trying to relearn about it as best I can.
Last month, on this blog, I mentioned my emotional state. Recently I found this information online at the National MS Society website. I'm not sure if this is my case, but it is interesting:
"Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA) - uncontrollable laughing and/or crying)Approximately 10 percent of persons with MS experience uncontrollable episodes of laughing* and/or crying that are unpredictable and seem to have little or no relationship to actual events or the person's emotions. A person may sob uncontrollably without feeling sad, or laugh inappropriately in a situation that isn't funny. These changes are thought to result from lesions—damaged areas—in emotional pathways in the brain. It is important for family members and caregivers to know this, and realize that people with MS may not always be able to control their emotions."
I have also been trying to figure out how to explain ms to others and to myself. It is not easy for me to do this. I had read a lot of this stuff at the onset of my diagnosis but I don't remember it sinking in at that point. Hopefully it will stick now.
The BBB -the blood brain barrier, is a barrier that keeps your blood out of your brain. More specific, it keeps your blood out of your CNS -Central Nervous System. Sounds like a good idea? Yep. It is. The body is a wonderfully made thing.
The BBB is designed to keep things that are in your blood out of the CNS. Things like viruses, antibodies, immune cells, etc. In Ms the BBB breaks down and allows even the good guys, the antibodies to sneak through. These good guys that do wonders for you in your blood don't do such nice things in your CNS. They get confused and mistake the myelin, the covering on your nerves, for their enemy and try to destroy it. These damaged nerves don't want to move signals properly now. So, Which ever nerves are damaged dictates what symptoms you have. This is really a simplistic view. I am just me. I am not a doctor, nurse, medical student or even a professional of any type.
From what I have read in various books. There is a constant attack even when you are not having symtoms. So this is why the dominate symptom in a lot of us is fatigue. Our bodys are constantly at odds with it's self.
Since my diagnosis of MS, I have had periods of time when I can research about MS and I have had periods of time when I cannot. Not because of any other constraint except for my emotional ability to do so. During the times I can research, I use the pick and chose method. I only try to read that which pertains to my ms. Reading deeper only "muddies the water". Or rather, pushes my head under the muddy water.
This latest round of research has been due to my re- counter swing and a new book I purchased. MS for Dummies. No matter what your thoughts are about the dummy books, I have found them helpful, they seem to provide information in a bare bones kind a way that I find useful.
I started to read this book as if I didn't know about ms. As if I was just finding out my diagnosis. Back when I was diagnosised I read alot about the whys of ms. However, during that time it was too raw. Little of what I read actually stuck. Maybe this time with be better.
For the most part, this passed month has been shrouded in depression. Nothing has changed. My days are still Status Quo symtom-wise, life-wise. I am still doing fine.
I know one thing and I am still holding on to it with both hands, heart and soul.
It doesn't much matter how I am doing. God is still on the throne. The tomb is still empty. I am still a follower of Jesus. My life is but a vapor. The trials of this life cannot compare to the glory that awaits those that love Jesus.
Yep. I am one of those.