Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Up Out of the mud.

A few days ago I started having a feeling, a picture in my mind, of a person, myself, coming up out of a mud pit. Kind of like Martin Sheen in "Apocalypse Now". Totally lying under the mud and then rising up to breathing level with my face finally exposed. I've been here before I thought. I know what this is. I've been grieving and I'm coming out now, to some degree. This has happened to me before. Some 18 years ago when our youngest son was diagnosed as a diabetic. At that time it was not the loss of a child but, the loss of our hopes for the future of the child. A mourning that encompassed the whole household. A family changing event. Then and now I hadn't realized I was in mourning until after 6 months or so. I had this same feeling, picture in my mind. Being under the mud of grief and finally rising up to breathing level. During those times I remember the process being longer and hard to stay up out of it. Now I hope I can stay up and fare better. Having experienced this before, it being on familiar ground. Then like now, it wasn't until this feeling, this picture, that I realized I was in full blown grief. Wow, I'm grieving. I'm grieving. The last few visits with my neurologist must have hit me harder that I thought. I do know now that my dr's words. "Your medicine isn't working for you as good as it should." caught me off guard. I don't know why really. MS is MS. It's progressive. It doesn't go away. My last MRI in March had several new lesions and she said good control would be only one, possible two new ones in a years time. There was an active one and that was of great concern to her. On to a new medicine for me. The transition has gone very smooth, I think. Though a few bothersome side effects tag along. And I have been under the mud. I can look back now I realize that I have been covered by it. Cocooned as it were. I am thankful for the process. Some things are meant to be mourned. I am always amazed that I don't realize the feeling until it lifts. That I don't see the mud until I am at breathing level. I am thankful for the breathing time now. Hopefully I can access things and get this life moving better. Most days, My son and I listen to the radio as we drive in the car. We listen to Air 1. It's uplifting to both of us. Lately, they have been playing a song about healing and what if the healing doesn't come. "Even If" by Kutlass Sometimes all we have to hold on to Is what we know is true of who You are So when the heartache hits like a hurricane That could never change who You are And we trust in who You are Even if the healing doesn’t come And life falls apart And dreams are still undone You are God You are good Forever faithful One Even if the healing Even if the healing doesn’t come Lord we know Your ways are not our ways So we set our faith in who You are Even though You reign high above us You tenderly love us We know Your heart And we rest in who You are You’re still the Great and Mighty One We trust You always You’re working all things for our good We’ll sing your praise You are God and we will bless You As the Good and Faithful One You are God and we will bless You Even if the healing doesn’t come Even if the healing doesn’t come

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