Friday, November 22, 2013

The Life Unseen?

I've been reading a book. It's called The "MS Project 1. Orange is the New Pink". I didn't think I would like it as much as I am. I normally don't like MS books. They tend to depress me. I normally glean them for applicable information but, never read them all the way through. This one is having a totally different effect on me. It's been soothing. It's made me feel not so alone. It's been cathartic to read that others have or have had the symptoms I have or have had. I'm really not imaging them, they are real, they really do happen, even to others. Even the feeling of being "crazy" happens to others.
It's been a relief to read about others trouble and their triumphs. To read of others getting through these times. It helps.
The Life Unseen?
After finishing my current read, I reflect on my MS life. Evidently? I live the life that is an advantage. Who woulda thunk it? A life of advantage.;-)
O.k. all sarcasm aside and in all seriousness. My life? I have an epiphany. My circumstances have fallen into a seemingly perfect way for me. It seems my slow moving, guarded, quiet lifestyle is a benefit to me and my MS. This lifestyle has been a benefit to my youngest son for years and now one to me. His life benefits me. I'm never alone. Truly, spiritually speaking never alone, yet, also physically speaking. My wingman is always here for me and I for him. Beyond that.
Homebody me is less stressed. Stress tends to make MS symptoms go a bit crazy.
Homebody me is seen less. I'm usually only out on my "good days". Hence the statement "You look so good." Only my hubby and wingman see me on those not so good days.
That leads me to my next statement. Most of my MS symptoms are invisible. I think. Actually, I think, all of my MS symptoms are invisible. I joke "it's all in my head" and truth be told that's exactly what MS is. I have the MRIs to prove it. ;-)
I seem to have a backpack of guilt about being sick. I have a hard time forgiving myself. I don't like who I am most of the time. I react poorly to my circumstances. I have a reaction that tends to flash. I'm harsh to those around me most (hubby & wingman). I try not to be so reactionary to things I am currently not understanding. I try to use a poker face during times of fog. Which I'm sure can be the wrong thing to do at time. Judging by peoples expressions. ? Who knows. Maybe that's a false assumption.
Things are hard to accomplish most days. I have a cog fog that hovers around me. Sometimes like chicken broth. Sometimes like split pea soup. I can't control this. Clarity to confusion can shift without warning. If I'm working toward something and get interrupted I unfortunately flash angry. I'm ashamed by this. I try to not have things be so important to me. But, live isn't really like that, is it? We all have things that need doing. Still I can't seem to forgive myself.
I daily, hourly, rely on the Lord Jesus to help me live this way. For Him to be strong in my weakness.

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