Saturday, August 6, 2016
Happy Anniversary to my MS. I wish I never knew you.
Life is - Early 2016
I am o.k.
Of course I can't say I am happy with the way I am now but, I can say there are some things that are o.k.
I can't say that I've ever worn unsenseble shoes. Oh, of course, my platforms of the early 70s may have landed close to the unsenseble. However, I was 16 and well balanced. I walked a mile and 1/2 to school and back in those days. No problem.
Converse were a thing back then too. And hiking boots. Over the years I've worn both. Now it's just Converse. Strictly. Well, maybe on Sundays I wear some flats with more dress appeal. But if my Converse match the color of choice for that day they get worn dressy or not. I have a few different colors of them. And I think I'll probably have a few more by the time I won't need any at all.
I can't really say I am pleased with having to use a cane.
Pre-need I was known to use a walking stick while geocaching or letterboxing.
When I was a wee lass, I would use a dead branch from an evergreen to aid in my woodland play. They would serve as a horse, a staff, a sword, and a fishing pole. You know. Enter the woods. Find a stick.
Later years. Umbrellas would be put into to service as both sun guard, rain guard, and walking stick. Then employed as a cane. Then entered the full use of a cane. Except at home. Where I can use the furniture and the walls to brace myself.
Like the Converse I have several of different colors and of different styles.
People often agree with me. If you need a cane, one might as well enjoy the one you need.
The easy affliction that lead to my diagnosis. My second, or maybe it was my third flare up was double vision. That sent me to a doctor, who sent me for an MRI, which gave me the reason of my troubles.
This eye doctor couldn't help me with this affliction since it was nerve damage in my brain but, he did suggest eyeglasses. I really didn't want eyeglasses. I really didn't need eyeglasses. Except readers. And yes, I did have several of those in different colors.
During one of my web adventures, shortly after my eye doctor appointment, I came across an intriguing antique pair of pince-nez. Actually a lot of 5 pince-nez in an online auction. I won the auction and had a couple of the mounts fitted with my prescription. Wa. La. I am a pince-nez wearing lady. It's been almost 6 years. O.k. that's a good spin on my life and how I am now.
Dee - Spring 2016
A couple years ago I started to Identifying myself as Dee. Big Dee sometimes. It was a counter swing to my depression.
You've probably read about Native Americans, and peoples of other cultures, and including Hebrews, would change their names or have them changed when a life event happened. Abram to Abraham. Naomi to Mara. Well, MS is a life event. So I call myself Dee now.
Tho' few have picked it up. That's o.k. I know who I am.
Lately, I've been trying to quantify my life.
I don't suppose it needs to be even talked about and for the most part it isn't. Except when I need a valve to be opened, to release a little pressure.
Those closest to me are the only ones that hear the hiss and the rumbling of the rocker cap.
That would be, My husband and our son who lives at home still. Maybe the neighbors sometimes.
I don't handle my disability very well. Sometimes.
I get frustrated when what I want to do is next to impossible or can't be done at all. Even some days when the difficulty of what was a simple task last year, last month, last week, yesterday, or an hour ago. Sometimes an action that tasks me beyond what I can stand may evokes a cry of dismay, a solemn tear or an angry snap.
I try not to let my day get to this stage but sometimes life doesn't run that way.
I have had to let a lot of stuff go. Stuff I've loved to do. I won't go into this list. It doesn't matter to anyone but me. And for the most part I've been o.k. with letting them go. They were and are more a source of frustration than a pleasure now anyway.
Apology - July 2016
Today I thought I should just write an apology. One that says: "I'm sorry I can't do that." or maybe one that says: "Sorry I can't help." It's hard to see so many needs and be positively unable to be of any help.
I hate having to ask for help for myself.
Dee is me.
Savage - Summer 2016
I stopped being Dee so much when I was gifted a Generationally prized possession. I can look at it whenever I desire. I know exactly where it is.
Worrying and caring. August 2016
Life races headlong without me most days. And it certainly has done just this for the last 6 years.
I can honestly say that the past six years have seemed to pass quickly even though my quickness has diminished into something quite opposite of quick. Anything but "quick".
I've watched life race by and have had to not tag along with it.
I've watched needs be fulfilled by others that weren't much quicker than me, maybe, but much more able, for sure.
And I've watched those that are quicker and more able for sure.
I've had to pare back my life as necessity has dictated.
I've tried not to be bitter about that. But, man, sometimes that root crops up in the futile bed of depression.
I've tried to learn to be in prayer more and more over these 6 years. I've tried to learn to turn my worries and my cares into prayers. I've tried to learn to quiet my racing thoughts into prayers. To rebuke the fears and the lies in Jesus Name and to lay my worries and cares at His feet.
I confess. I worry. And I have cares for others that only Jesus can fulfill. I find myself mourning that I can only pray but then I tell myself, I realize, that praying is the best thing I can do.
Thanks be to God! We have an Advocate with the Father. His Name is Jesus.
There are so much Biblical Truths we can hold onto. So I try to spend time in God's Word. There are so many songs so many hymns that can remind us of these Truths. So I try to listen or read the lyrics of these wonderful reminders. I try to spend time in prayer and in quiet reflection of my Lord's grace an mercy.
Help me Lord Jesus. To be better than what I am.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
A day in the life.
I wake to Gregg's alarm. He kisses me good-bye, good-morning and gets up. I snuggle down for more sleep. Some times it happens. Today it didn't. I stay there in the quiet for one more hour.
I sit up slowly. Feeling rested. I assess my status. Left foot is it's standard numbness, left side it's standard weakness. Brain is quiet, calm. No headache.
My/Grady's cell phone lights up and chimes. It will do this every 15 minutes forever unless I hit the dismiss button. I do and use it's light to see. I unhook Spencer's cable (He's a bad dog and needs to be restrained at night}, I put on socks and slippers. This morning none of this is too difficult. 65 degrees. We get out to the living room. I check the wood stove. It is good. It hasn't been too long since Gregg left. He always banks it. Next I feed Spencer. He's excited and wiggles around me. Once he's feed he goes to lay on the couch. He'll stay there for quite awhile most mornings.I start the coffee maker. I pre-loaded it last night so plugging it in and pushing a bottom gets it going. I mix an orange juice with honey and applecider vinegar (my latest experiment). Put it on the wood stove top to warm it a little so the honey dissolves. I drink it and take my med. One Tecfidera. (I've been on this for two years and tolerate it just fine. My next MRI will be the tell if it is working well for me.) I place my little glass cat on the pill box as a reminder that I have taken it this morning. While waiting for the coffee. I change the fishes water in their bowl without dumping them in the sink. They live in a gallon size glass jar. I had moved them into this kitchen last night in preparation for this. I have a gallon pitcher of two day old water placed by them overnight to match water temps. Pouring took care. This all went smooth and I carried them back to their living room shelf. I sit in my glider chair, drink my coffee, water (2 cups) and try to type this out. So far this has been the biggest challenge. Bathroom break. Reading and checking online stuff is next. Fuzzy brain and I notice my right wrist is hurting a little. Like when I have too much vitamin c on-board.
Grady is up now. We exchange greetings and he goes to grab his 2 3dss and laptop from the back bedroom. (We confiscate them at night for safety sake.) Online in seconds. First crisis in a minute. The wifi puck lost under the deck. This little drama plays out like this. We live on the fringe of wifi land. Our signal is weak at best. So, we put the puck outside on our ladder to improve it's chances of getting a signal. This morning we woke to fresh snow. It's on everything, including the ladder rung Grady places the puck on. Normal we wipe the snow off first. I forgot to remind him of this step. After a minute or two. I hear a thump against the house. I know what this means and tell Grady. His reaction is not to favorable. We investigate with our flashlights in hand. (a CSI trick for finding things) and sure enough the puck warmed the snow and slid off the ladder, bounced off the side of the house (the thump), and was A perfect pool table type shot that landed it under the deck. Our lower little deck which is only maybe a foot off the ground level. We have a foot of snow. I am in my robe and slippers. Grady is in Despair. After calming him down, a little, getting dressed (always a challenge. gone are the days of bouncing out of bed and being out the door and on the road in 5), Putting on Gregg's snow boots,etc. I am able to find the puck's exact location. Yep. Under the deck. I use my walking stick to shove it toward the wall in bounced off of and am able to retrieve it. o.k. onward. Dog meds at 8. Well. They are not meds any more but I still give him a treat at 8. A placebo as Gregg calls it. For 5+ years our Spencer was getting meds to control epilepsy. We weaned him off because of cost constraints. (90$ a month) He's been seizure free for 3 months. PTL! Spencer deserves a treat. I have a bread and water breakfast. Stoke the wood stove. And sit down to do more reading. A Facebook birthday wish prompts a picture search. It fails but takes a spoon.
I finish my coffee and facebook wanderings. It's time for toiletries and time to do a little laundry. Folding some items and reloading the dryer. Start it for a 15 min tumble. Sitting back down in my chair I go online with the computer to check Amazon. And a few other business type sites. Then onto justhost to check and renew a domain. Decide 2 years is wise for me. It's a nonsensical blog at onceinabluemoon.us (Our North Idaho Life) or deeisme.com
Listening to a bit of music (Bowie) while finishing online business. Check the wood stove and sweep the hearth. Check laundry status and restart the dryer (We only run it in 15 min. increments. Another story). I start the day's clocks(today 5). Dishes next and a bit of kitchen working. I uncover and check on our little finch, Hoodeedee (that is what he says in his high pitched chirpings). Check the stove again while burning a bit of paper trash from the kitchen counter clean up. Struggling with a large piece of wood. Too large. Set it aside for a smaller piece. Sitting down again. Watch a bit of TV with G (Paw Patrol). While regrouping my thoughts.
Re-start the dryer. Add some notes to the calendar on my Kindle. G is a bit volatile and silent. Residue from this morning? Don't know. Time will tell. (No poking the bear.) I sit down in my chair to do a bit of Bible reading. At this point I notice my hands feel numb, weak. Not an uncommon occurrence. Some symptoms stay all day, week, month, etc. (numb left foot, weak left side) others waft in and out like fog or smoke on a windy day. Restroom break. I start my leg strengthening exercise. My neurologist suggested I try to strength my left leg so it doesn't drag when I walk. I do 15 reps of leg lifts with that leg throughout the day.
Preparing for lunch (nothing fancy). I fix Grady a chicken patty sandwich on a bun. I reheat leftover Stroganoff. I drink my experiment before sitting to eat. I'm hungry, fussy brained, and have a little pain in abdomen (hopefully hunger pain, not in my stomach tho'). I restart the dryer. We eat our lunch while watching the noon news. G is better. He does his insulin. I use the commercials to restart the dryer, clean lunch dishes and put items away, and check the wood stove adding a log. 67 degrees.
After lunch I change the sheets on my bed. New fleece. Looking forward to bedtime as always. Changing sheets now always prompts a memory. Awhile ago I was at my Mom and Dad's home. She was doing some housework while we chatted. I watched her change her sheets and as she did I was flooded with a memory of my Mom's Mom. I remembered watching her change her sheets in the same way when I was little. In that moment I was back in Gram's bedroom watching her take a perfectly made bed (her bed was always perfectly made) and roll up the comforter and blankets from pillows to foot, then lifted this roll and placed it on her hope chest that was against the wall near the foot of the bed. She then stripped the sheets off and uncased the pillows. After placing the clean sheets on the bed and recovering the pillows with fresh cases she picked up the bedding and unrolled it back over he mattress. Smoothing the edges she was done. She scooped up the discarded sheets and we walked to the back room where the clothes washer was. (The washer was a roller type. It lives at my place now. Thanks Sis.) I cherish memories like these and have adopted this method as my own. Changing sheets this way is do-able for me. I am grateful to put memory into practice. It's been helpful these past few years.
Load the clothes washer. Another bathroom break. Change the toilet paper roll. Back into the living room I sit down to blog a bit. Read a bit. Fuzzy brain is less. Hands still weak , numbness less by 75 percent, maybe. Head ache's a little better. Wrist still hurts. I plan to drop the vitamin c pill. Drinking orange juice three times a day is enough I guess. I take more water (2 cups). Try to organize the books on my Kindle. This presents a challenge to my fuzzy brain. I have to re-do it a couple times and double check myself. I think I have it.
Finish the lunch dishes. Bathroom break. 15 leg lifts. Fold some of the towels. Put the gate in the hall way so Spencer can't go bark at the road grater. Writing a few things down.
Gregg gets home. Hellos are made and a bit of how was your day chatter. After getting caught up with us, he goes out to the driveway to shuffle the cars making sure the driveway is passable after the grater plowed us in. Then out back to bring in some wood and shovel a bit of snow. Gregg comes in and stokes the fire. So thankful for this man that keeps all in order. 69 degrees. Quiet time of reading and Kindling.
I take a couple aspirin and wrap my wrist. Hoping to gain some control of this mild head ache and aching wrist. Blogging and reading. Editing the mistakes written this morning. Bathroom break. Gregg scans the TV stations to find something fit to watch. More water (2 cups). We watch a movie and plan dinner during the commercials. All of us confer and agree. My head ache is better but my wrist still hurts.
Watching the movie. Gregg starts the preparation for dinner. Defrosting the hamburger for the meat loaf. At 4 I feed Spencer his dinner. During the next commercial I make the meatloaf. A simple recipe. Two pounds of ground beef, a box of stuffing, two eggs. Mix it together and pound it in a loaf pan. Gregg adds some 7 spice. WaLa.
We preheat the oven and I put the load in. (after it is almost done, we add spaghetti sauce to half of the top and finish cooking. (Grady doesn't like the sauce, hence the bare half) Next commercial Greggo continues more prep. Spencer has had his dinner but doesn't want to leave the kitchen (If I'm in the kitchen prepping dinner without Gregg, Spencer is banished from the kitchen). We continue to tag team dinner. Bathroom break. 15 leg lifts. Re-wash. Orange juice experiment drank. Evening med taken ( I remove the little glass cat from the pill box to indicate I've taken the evening dose). Dinner is awesome and nets 100 percent (3 people eat the same meal. No re-makes). Yum. 69 Degrees.
We watch the news. Grady and I take our supplements. Grady does his insulin. Gregg and I put the remnants of dinner in the refrigerator and stack the dishes during the commercials. I wrap things up by doing the dishes. Fatigue is the main symptom. Fuzzy brain still. Headache gone. Hands still numb but not as bad. Both hands and arms feel heavy. Sitting cozy and watching TV.
A nice quiet evening of pumpkin pie and TV (One of the perks of have a restaurant cook in the family). A little more time online.
Movie time. (by the time I edit this (next day) I can't remember what movie.) At 8 I give Spencer his bedtime pseudo med. Restroom break. 15 leg lifts. The winding down begins in earnest.
Getting ready for bedtime. I literally start a count down. Cover the finch. Stop the clocks. Brushing my teeth and check on all of Grady's shut down needs. We always retired at different times. He is a bit of a nightowl. Bedtime prayers said. Good night. Sleep well.
It was a good day. Tomorrow will tell if I used too many spoons today. It was a home day though and I am less guarded then if I was having to leave the house. (another story, another type of day) Thank You Jesus for Your Grace and Mercy.
69 degrees in the house. Only 0.12 miles walked today (I wear a pedometer). 151/94 bp (I have high blood pressure) , 68 bpm, 36.2 c 97.16 F (I don't have a fever and thankfully running cool), 190# (I am not happy with my weight but exercise is a challenge. I know if you can do some it will be a benefit. I do a little. I wonder about the leg lifts. Some day I think it is getting stronger but other days it seems just as weak. I will continue trying.)
September was my 5 year anniversary. I didn't celebrate. Just noted the passage of time. I am still here. Praise The Lord.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes; fear the LORD, and depart from evil."
Proverbs 1:5-7 KJV Scofield
thanks for reading. ttfn, k