Saturday, September 2, 2017

September 3rd - Never a Happy Unnaversary


the day that commemerates the beginning of life after ending a relationship that made your life miserable

"It's January 15th!!! Im celebrating my first unnaversary!!!!"

#marriage#break up#split#anniversary#divorce

by ljtm January 15, 2009

This definition shows up on Urban Dictionary but I found myself using this concerning my MS diagnosis after the first year.
I was surprised that it was in use by others. Though my "Unnaversary" definition is different than what seems to be a common usage for a celebration of a spilt up relationship.
I never celebrate my unnaversary. Never! But I find it hard not to note the day my life changed.
So, today is my 7th Unniversary. 7 years of learning how to live with an unwanted partner that I am unable to split from, break up with, or divorce. 
Though this is a fact of life now I am willing to say I'm doing o.k.
I don't like this new life but I'm surviving it. MS  has stolen a lot from me but it has brought me to a place of more reliance on God. A great trust in Him.
So on this day. This unnaversary I won't say Happy.
I will say. Thank you Lord for being nearer to me, dearer to me. I'm alive and doing fine.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Of Loss. Loosing one's identity.

I have been mindful, as of late, of loss. It's been on the front burner for some time. I have been dealing with variations of loss since my diagnosis.  7 years, next month. I can't say it's been easy but, there have been times of acceptance.
Over these years there have been other forms of loss as well. They don't seem to diminish the loss already experienced. They just seem to add to it's weight. However, This year has dealt the biggest blow thus far.
So I admit, I've been more depressed than what is usual. Though depression isn't the right word for it. I'm in mourning.
I think I've talked about mourning on this blog before. Something about finally coming up out of the cognitive mud. Just up enough to realize what's been happening, that I've burrowed in, for sorrow's sake, for mourning's sake.
This passed couple months I've been dwelling on loss. I've been reminded of other losses endured as well as the current. Ones of my own and ones of others. It's like I've been trying to recall the losses to try and glean from them. To try and learn how it was gotten through. How did they make it through that time? How did I make it through those times? How are we going to make it through this time? Is there any bits, tiny morsels, any wisdom from the past that can aid us now?
I rely on prayer and the help of my Lord and Saviour. Truly an every present help in times of trouble. (Psalm 46:1 KJV God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.) I rely on the passage of time. I cling to the Blessed Assurance like it is a life boat. Because it is.

My analytical mind searches for the "why" of loss though. Why do we feel it in so many different forms? Loss has so many different aspects to it. One's loss is sometimes not like an other's loss at all. And we wonder why that effects others and not ourselves. Or why doesn't that effect them but is so profound for me?
I think this week I caught a glimpse of this "why" for me. And after much pondering I have been able to boil it down to one thing. "Identity".
The loss I seem to mourn mostly is the loss of my Identity. Wow. Does that sound selfish or what. But it is true for me. My identity, one's identity, is really all we have. Who we are is all we have that is truly our very own.
So it seems to me that when we lose someone, something, some anything that affects our identity, it hurts. It hurts! Mourning is the protective action that helps us until we can regain our identity. Or in most cases, until we can assimilate the hurt, the loss, into a piece of our new identity. I honestly can only speak for myself.

Consider this.
When you lose something, one wonders how can I live with out that? The thing being small or large is mourned over. One  goes threw the process of figuring out how to live with out it. If ones identity is wrapped around it, I believe,  the loss has a greater impact.
An object can be replaced. The identity can be restored. Or the item doesn't get replaced one accepts life without it and one's identity is altered. Largely or minutely. Maybe the loss forms a stronger identity, one that doesn't need that item.

Consider this.
Fellow MSers or those with cronic illness may relate. When one loses an ability. An ability that allowed one to do a favorite hobby, job, or life skill. The loss is great.  It involves identity is a huge way. On a personal level. I was a waitress. I was a motorcyclist. I was a dogsledder.  I was a hiker. I still mourn the loss of these. My identity is/was shattered. I still haven't figured out how to get threw some of this. I am reliant on my Lord and Saviour to guide me. I am clinging to the Solid Rock as my identity. Child of God. Follower of Jesus Christ.

Consider this.
When you lose some one you love dearly. Mourning replaces everything. Everything. The loss is too great. How does this fit in to my idea of identity? You indeed miss the person. Deeply so. One grabs on and hangs on to every precious moment of time with them. To try and retain the feeling you had when you were with them. Who you were when you were with them. Your identity is wrapped up in it all. The identity of who you were with them. You have not only lost them, you have lost that part of you. The mourning, the sorrow runs deep.

Not one person can honestly say they have not experience loss to some degree. It is a consistent factor in this life. I don't have an answer to how one should get threw any of it. However, I trust in God, The Father, and The Son, Jesus, and I thank God for The Comforter, The Holy Spirit. I am trying to ground my identity in Them. The Holy Trinity.

Lord God, Comfort those who mourn. In Jesus Name, Amen

I am a Child of God. A follower of Jesus Christ.
I am a wife. 
I am a mother of two grown men. One who has a lovely wife (I am her mother-in-law)and a beautiful daughter (I am her Gma)
I have MS. I hear people often say "I have MS but it doesn't have me." I can't seem to agree with this statement. MS is a huge part of my identity now. Not a good part but a part none the less.
I am a daughter of a wonderful woman. Though she is no longer my counsel. I am unable to confer with her to benefit from her kindness, her wisdom, and her life knowledge, but I can use the things I've gleaned from watching her throughout my life.
I am a daughter of a wonderful man whom I am able to share with and learn some lessons of loss together. 
I am a sister. By blood to some and by circumstance to others. 

I am a Beekeeper.
I am a reader and a writer.
I am a shadow of who I was but am trusting in The Lord to see me through this life. Trying to wrap myself into His Identity. So help me God.

Romans 12:15
New International Version
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn

Ephesians 4:32
King James Bible
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Groundhog's Day.

Happy Groundhog's Day.

It's been a long winter already and no matter what -we have until March 20th before it's over. Don't know how this tradition started but that's o.k. I don't know how a lot of things started. (Google it.)

I've been waiting to post here for some time now. But really haven't had much to say. I'm in a kind of "Groundhog"  scenario. I've kind of stalled out.  Our days are slow moving because I'm slow moving now. (MSers well understand this.)

Back when I was able bodied I use to call these slowed down winter days "the Horse Latitudes" or just "horse lats". (Google it.) I would kick against, buck these times like crazy. I hated these times. Now I live in the "Horse Lats" year round. Can't hate 'em now.

I'm hoping I'm not sounding like a whiner. This is just the way it is. (MSers will understand this. Actually, Anyone with chronic illness will understand.)

I am doing reasonable well. My Neuro calls my type of M.S. slow progression. I call it linear. Even. I feel the same daily. Things I've lost remain lost. Not so worse. No better. I am grateful for that. If I'm having flares, they are hidden. The latest M.R.I. Will be the judge of that. (My husbands says it's not so invisible anymore.)

Back to my Horse lats, I've been living here year round.
I woke up this Groundhog's Day remembering the movie of the same name. You know the one. With Bill Murray. He gets in some kind of time loop where he lives the same day over and over and over. (kind of how all our lives can get sometimes,  my horse lats*)

Anyway. It's humorous. Bill Murray.
 I don't believe in the time loop belief,  or any metaphysical events. I just don't. It just doesn't  match up with my Faith.**  But I have taken a couple "gems" from this movie that have served me well.
1. Try not to hate your situation. (Murray's character made some really bad choices concerning this.) 2. Don't waist  time. ( Even though the days seem the same and endless, do what you can. Even if your world seems small, there is always something to do. I read, I study. I try to learn. (It's not great big studies but, they help me.)

For example, In the movie, Murray's character learns piano, French, medicine, he studies the people around him and ends up helping them through their day. O.k. he has lots of time to do these things. Lots of time!

Well, me too. "Horse Lats"

Please don't be sorry for me. I'm not sorry for myself. I am using this time. To learn. To try and be kind to those who I'm around.

Happy Groundhog's Day!

* Here. the horses are never tossed overboard or hurt in any way.

**My Faith is in God.
Genesis 50:20 ... but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, ...